Day 122 | $57,116 paid | $33,601 till freedom
A long-time reader requested a post dedicated to my dating life and how it fits (or doesn’t) with NMHD. The timing of this request was perfect, as I’ve been meaning to devote some time for reflection on this matter and put pen to paper for the sake of my own mental clarity, but I just haven’t been able to get around to it yet. Her prompt was just the sort of encouragement I needed to finally git ‘er done.
Before NMHD, I was averaging about one or two dinner dates and one or two drink dates a week for a spend of about $150+/week or $600+/month. Throw in a bar night or two or three with friends each week and an occasional trip, and it’s easy to see how I was spending $1,000 to $1,400 a month on entertainment.
I haven’t been on a single dinner date or drink date since starting NMHD. Instead, I’ve occasionally bought drinks for girls I meet at bars when I’m out with friends, and I’ve been on coffee dates, hike dates, and chill-at-home-and-drink-wine/beer-and-watch-a-movie dates.
I would say I’m dating roughly as much during NMHD as I did before, but at a much, much cheaper level.
I can’t say that I miss the dinner and drink dates, but they were definitely a little easier to set up since they’re more of a social norm.
“Hey, it was great to meet you. Do you want to go out some time?”
“Um, yeah, for sure.”
“Ok. We should go check out <X>. I hear they have excellent <Y> and <Z>.”
“Oh, yeah! I’ve heard great things about that place. We should totally go check it out.”
“Great! It’s a date. What’s your number?”
“Okay, it’s 867-5309.”
“Thanks, Jenny. I’ll call you soon.”
Done. Easy.
“Hey, it was great to meet you. Do you want to go out some time?”
“Um, yeah, for sure.”
“Ok. Do you like to hike? Or we can get coffee. Do you drink coffee? Or you can come over to my place and watch a movie. Do you like romantic comedies?”
“Whoa, weird and creepy. Umm, haha, just kidding…I’m actually not interested. Bye.”
“Wait! Here, can you take my flask for a second? I’ve gotta get my phone out of my pocket so I can get your number.”
“Eww, loser! Go away!”
Not as easy.
Obviously that’s an exaggeration, and I find that explaining my situation usually goes a long way in setting the record straight. However, it has become apparent to me that there’s a certain type of woman who wants money to be spent on her. This is the kind of woman who is okay with and actually encourages the social concept of legalized prostitution.
Then there is the kind of woman who gets it, and doesn’t feel like her self-worth is validated by how much her man spends on her. At the beginning of NMHD, I actually gave a damn about what the women in the former group thought about me. These days? I’m getting more ok with not being “in their league,” and while that does admittedly weigh on my mind, I I’ve consciously added “frugality” to my mostly subconscious list of traits I want in a girl I’m dating.
Before NMHD, I was okay with dating high-maintenance materialistic women. I didn’t seek them out, but if I ended up dating one, then I ended up dating one, and I could generally afford it. These days, I simply can’t, so I don’t. And in the long run, I’m probably much, much better off because of it. Unfortunately, it appears that the former group is much larger than the latter, so I while I’m dating about as much as I did pre-NMHD, I don’t know if that’s actually sustainable. Maybe instead of casually dating like I am now, I should date to marry so I don’t run out of frugal girls!
(To qualify the statement about dating casually, I plan on dating more seriously once the debt is paid off. 50% of all marriages these days end in divorce, and mostly for financial reasons. I’ll be doing future relationships a huge solid by not bringing my burdensome loans into them.)
While there is a significant difference in the girls I date, there’s also been a difference in the guy I am when I date. To get really candid here for a minute, I feel that prior to NMHD I wasn’t as concerned with having a great personality and being a super nice guy. Don’t get me wrong–it’s not like I was a huge jerk–but there was definitely an air of “My house…my toys…great dinner…$130 tab we just drank…aren’t you having so much fun?”
But when I stopped throwing money around and stripped away all of those meaningless distractions and it became just two people walking together in the forest or sitting on a couch in Starbucks sipping on coffee, then stuff started to get real. Personality became key, and I realized I had to be fun by just being me, and I couldn’t use money as a crutch. Throughout the past four months, I’ve become a better listener, and I’ve also become more sincere, genuine, open, and humble. I think it has all made for a better connection.
To sum up how dating has changed with NMHD, I’d say I’m doing as much of it, I’m not spending nearly as much on it, the women I date these days are less shallow, and so am I.
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